Week 12
View from the houseboats
Even within my very privileged bubble, I am not ok. There were a few days this week I couldn’t really work and instead spent time crying. I wasn’t sure whether to write this email, and then I wasn’t sure what to say. Ultimately, I decided it is important for every individual to speak when and where they can. And I found it validating to hear that some of my mentors and friends say they were also not ok, so I thought some of you may feel the same. As you know, the last two years have sent a lot of things my way, and new trauma brings up old trauma. And my trauma is a drop in the bucket compared to generations of enslavement, individual and structural racism. I have a moral obligation to speak up.
(Re)Learnings and observations
As a friend of mine (who is a civil rights lawyer) said, “you use your voice to do what you can”. So if you were able to join the protests – thank you. One of my friends (white guy) was at the DC protests every day this week, and even got to physically protect Senator Warren (and Bailey!). But we can’t all be that guy, for a variety of reasons. For those of you who did something, thank you! The work is going to extend beyond this week, and our efforts towards justice need to continue long into the future.
The reactions of many leaders (especially federally) are horrifying and demoralizing. Voting and helping mobilize voters will be essential this fall (check out adopt-a-state from Crooked Media). Campaign Zero has research-based ideas to address police violence.
There’s a tendency for people to share what they are doing as a method of virtue-signaling. On the other hand, as faculty and a mentor I feel like it’s my responsibility to make transparent what actions I am taking on the lifetime journey towards being antiracist. There are many lists of books to buy, things to read, and Black-owned businesses to support. Here are a few things I’m attending to, in addition to making donations to many different organizations:
I follow TheConsciousKid, HereWeRead, Britt Hawthorn among others on Instagram and Twitter because they do a great job of sharing tools for ensuring kids’ bookshelves and education are diverse. This week I started supporting their Patreon accounts in recompense for all I learn from them.
There’s an app to identify Black-owned restaurants, EatOkra. SF Chronicle also made a list for the Bay Area.
I love sustainable/ethical/clean beauty products. Blk+Grn is an online marketplace for Black-owned brands founded by a Black woman.
We’re all likely to need more face masks; here are some from a business founded by a first-generation African-American, DIOP.
As an academic and future grant reviewer, I’m going to need to think about implications from this study that says the initial scores on grants account for racial disparities. I also was reminded that Black people and other POC are often not cited in academic work – see @citeblackwomen on Twitter for ideas. I need to do some work to create a thread for Black women geri/pal scientists.
A UCSF colleague, Dr. Atul Butte, wrote this letter to his group and he says “we are the lucky ones”. I say a version of this frequently. Often people will try to rebut this saying “no you worked really hard”. But America and academia are not meritocracies. They work better for the privileged, whether privileged by appearance or connections or the names of the schools you went to or all of the above. There are many times I could have fallen through the cracks and would have except for one or more of those three things. There are people who worked harder, were smarter, and yet didn’t make it because the system just isn’t fair. Those of us who made it this far have an obligation to keep putting a hand back to pull people up with us (also known as the pipeline), and we have an obligation to create diverse teams because we all benefit from learning from experiences unlike our own.
We are teaching Theo that you have to try things, mess up, learn from it (hopefully) and try again. And my spouse and I are repeatedly re-learning in the pandemic how much it helps to simply bring the other person’s attention to more productive ways to speak or behave. I invite you to tell me when I mess up or when you have ideas for things I can do differently; I will do my best to listen and make amends and keep trying.
We talked to two psychologists from Theo’s (former?) school again this week for their ideas about how to help Theo. They had a few ideas (track the days, see if you can figure out patterns associated with what does/doesn’t work) but mostly they said everything’s perfectly normal for a 3.5 yo in a pandemic who had a lot of grief around him. It’s likely his parent’s resilience making the biggest impact on his behavior. Right. More reasons to take care of ourselves (sleep, exercise, drink water, eat vegetables) insofar as possible.
A nice post from the NYTimes about how to stay optimistic as a coping mechanism even when the world is up in flames (granted, I’m pretty angry about their publishing the Tom Cotton piece, so lmk if you need a PDF)
I watched this UCSF Psychiatry webinar from May 21 and it talked about the importance of having things to look forward to help change your perspective about what you’re going through. So I’m adding a new section to this newsletter:
Things I’m looking forward to
My next solo bike ride or run in the sun
8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep
A date with my spouse when Theo’s in school or with a babysitter
Someday backpacking with Sam and Theo where there is a beautiful lake in the mountains.
Gratitude & appreciation
The institutions I’ve been associated with (Williams College, Johns Hopkins, and UCSF) seem to be doing a decent job naming racism and police violence as a public health crises – I look forward to seeing what action they will take to increase the representation of Black and other people of color among students, faculty and staff.
Three of my colleagues/mentees have manuscripts that were sent out for review, though manuscripts seem to be getting multiple desk rejects right now.
Several colleagues have offered to donate an hour or two of time to help me get work done as a gift to me in these hard times. Wow. That’s leadership. Someday I look forward to having the bandwidth to offer the same to others.
Our neighbor ran around the city and got Theo a total of 3 bicycles with pedals of various sizes for him to use/have, with the goal of getting him more exercise and perhaps us more sleep. He’s not yet able to ride by himself (e.g. consistently pedal, steer, and look up) but he clearly enjoys being able to pedal and go faster!
I’ve made some progress getting Theo to hike. This week we started having Sam drop us off at a trailhead (since we’re still not supposed to park at many trailheads but we have several within a half mile) and haven’t brought a kid carry pack or stroller, so there’s no option but to walk. Theo hiked 2.5 miles two different days! Yesterday he spent the whole two hours asking me to tell him stories about the Avengers, so I used the time to teach lessons about public health (they help protect people’s bodies), learning to control their big feelings (the Hulk), using their powers to protect people who other people are mean to (Captain Marvel, Black Panther), and persistence in the face of making mistakes (Tony Stark, who is now Black in my stories).
My usual exercise class (virtual since the pandemic) included a kickboxing element this past Saturday and woah was it exactly what I needed it. I downloaded it and did it again on Wednesday and it was still super helpful.
The books we ordered 2-3 weeks ago for Theo finally arrived! We really love “The Rabbit Listened”. And that plus “The Goodbye Book” seem to have gotten Theo to start talking a bit, unprompted, about my dad and his teachers, who he seems to miss a lot.
As in past weeks, I invite you to report in on your wellbeing, share 1-2 small goals you are hoping to work on next week (especially related to our collaborations, if we have one), and report in on your progress from last week's goal.
Thinking of you and hoping you and your loved ones stay healthy and safe.
Krista