Week 33
View from the houseboats
How am I? Tired from Theo sleep negotiations and staying up too late working one night, anxious about work to-do lists, all interspersed with grieving and appreciating the beauty in my surroundings, and fundamentally – I’m ok. I’m grounded. This all feels manageable and normal.
I’m also taking PTO to make space for space for all the feelings. Friday is the second anniversary of the car hitting my dad and his three friends while they were cycling (for those who didn’t know), the 3rd is the election, the 4th is Theo’s 4th birthday, and the 5th is the anniversary of my dad’s death.
I confess it still feels strange and self-indulgent to take more time off, but I’m ignoring that judgmental voice in my brain and committing to giving myself the space to see what I need. My favorite businesswoman has been talking about how aggressively 2020 has taught her to make space in her work for priorities like family. It’s been a lesson I’ve been slowly learning for the last two years, but 2020 is also helping the lessons stick.
The podcast I was listening to today how grief waits until it can be heard. Theo’s sleep had been better but then he took a left turn the last couple days and has been hard to get down. On the upside, he’s in a delightful phase of intense non-linear plot questions about movies or stories he hasn’t heard or read for awhile (e.g. out of the blue, in the middle of the bath, having not seen Frozen II in months: “Is Ottaholan frozen?”). It’s fun to see how his brain is working.
Gratitude/appreciation
Neighbors to share kombucha and espresso and books with
Theo’s absolutely joy in earning (via star sticker reward system) a stuffed cheetah as big as he is
Work-friends who give stellar wise advice and donate time to help
Persimmon season, and separately, coffee ice cream
(Re)Learnings and observations
Making space for grief: My friend sent me a link to this UK based Grief Festival happening from this weekend from 30th to the 1st. I may have to sign up. In the program I discovered two new podcasts: Grief is my superpower and Griefcast (the latter is comedians talking about grief – there is also an American version). The most recent Griefcast is with Amanda Palmer and I’m really enjoying it.
Self compassion: Two different people have now recommended Kristin Neff on self-compassion. I hadn’t seen this before but I like it. I’ve thus far boiled it down to: talk to yourself the way you’d talk to your best friend. Apparently, there is also a website, podcast, book, and sometimes workshops/classes.
The role of community in combating loss of motivation: My neighbor commented in passing that she keeps expecting pandemic life to get easier, more normal, but it just doesn’t. A friend sent this great article with tips about how to manage lulls in motivation amid a pandemic. Tips include setting and accepting a low bar, leaning on your networks, checking in with coworkers/friends, finding small sources of joy, remembering what gave you purpose before the pandemic.
Beware following the rules: I’ve been doing the NCFDD 14-day writing challenge but in this grief seasons realized the interviews were too close to home. A wise friend reminded me we don’t need to follow the “rules” of the challenge if they create more stress – subvert them and make them work for us. So I recruited a coauthor to help and pivoted to other urgent and important projects.
On the trap of social media: I use Twitter for information, I avoid Facebook like the plague, but I use Instagram (reminder – my account is private but I will approve you) for the pictures. A thousand articles have been written about the trap of social media - fodder for comparison being the thief of joy - so I was surprised when a senior colleague fell into it, saying, “your life is so much better than mine”. Please delete social media from your life if you find yourself saying that. (Or please volunteer to babysit and petsit for a few days at my house while I go backpacking with Sam).
Other people help remind you of things you already know: It’s amazing how hard it is to translate skills across parts of our lives. I’m pretty good at managing work-related anxiety, e.g. finding ways to not let it get in my way. But I needed my spouse to remind me how to get past my anxiety about trying out a new bike route that I hadn’t done in awhile (e.g., it’ll likely be better once I’m out than I’m making it out to be in my head, I only have to do X amount of time and then I can come home, etc).
Anti-oppression work: In an effort to make sure my extended family was voting, I discovered someone whose beliefs surprised me. I spent a ridiculous amount of energy teaching about public health, public policy, COVID, and voting for your values…and I think I turned that vote around. Otherwise, just more donating.
Things I’m looking forward to
Grief being less intrusive
I welcome responses of any length, including phrases that report in on your wellbeing and share a small goal.
Thinking of you and hoping you and your loved ones stay healthy and safe.
Krista