Week 3
View from the houseboats
Well, it's the end of the 3rd week of this strange new world we are in.
This week was more of an emotional rollercoaster for us. Thursday was the 1-year anniversary of my much-loved stepfather dying - my mom continues to sporadically but eloquently post about her grief experience on her blog, The Artful Caregiver. In this locked-down world, I've had trouble honoring that anniversary in ways that felt satisfying. I spent Wednesday and Thursday helping prepare my next-door neighbor's house for hospice delivering a hospital bed and other equipment. He was diagnosed with advanced esophageal cancer only a month or two ago, and it's moved fast. We are affected more than we expected, knowing our wonderful life-filled musician and friend is dying next door. We're also moving into the next round of COVID cancellations: not being able to attend my cousin's funeral, the likelihood of another cousin's wedding being postponed, an invited talk at UPenn postponed, hearing my undergrad college canceled graduation and an alumni died of COVID.
Implicit signs of grief for me:
I've noticed an uptick in my irritability, typically with anyone not in a comparable situation (trying to figure out how to get 2 parents to work & provide childcare in very little space)
When we don't set an alarm, I'm sleeping an extra hour or two (til 7 am - still a house with a small kid)
My motivation for exercise or for doing work is less
Transitions and communication require extra effort and clarity
Adding to our family anxiety: we stepped up our efforts to wipe down or quarantine anything we buy or that's shipped to us and started wearing masks whenever we go outside. Turns out trying to get a 3yo out of our small space to exercise but ALSO to wear a face mask and not touch anything is....a recipe for multiple meltdowns on all fronts. We also re-discovered that trying to deviate from the schedule is also a recipe for meltdowns - birthday pancakes and messages for me led to not getting Theo exercise led to...a profound need for a reset.
Gratitude & appreciation
Here are some things that went well or that I am glad I accomplished:
I did not join multiple group zoom calls that I felt I "ought" to join when they did not work for our family schedule nor felt high-priority for my wellbeing/productivity (I still felt guilty, but I didn't join).
I did something that felt uncomfortable but brave in posting that twitter thread.
I sent a text to a mentor expressing appreciation for her and her clinical work amid COVID.
I canceled a meeting and let myself feel my feelings during my "work time" one day this week.
I sent a colleague comments on a paper.
I had a couple productive working meetings analyzing new datasets.
I began revising a section of a paper based on coauthor feedback.
I recruited my mother to entertain my son at least 3 times so far today by reading books to him by iPad&Facetime.
I successfully refrained from sharing the long list of things I wished I had, but did not, do.
I am about to go for a birthday bike ride by myself in the sun with my new bike bell.
Thinking of you and hoping you and your loved ones stay healthy and safe.