Week 57
View from the houseboats
The collective grief and trauma in the Black community this week is just so heavy. We need accountability and change. #dauntewright #adamtoledo
I hijacked some of my designated writing times this week to support colleagues (peers and trainees) who are struggling for a wide variety of reasons – racism, grief, pandemic parenting/caregiving, out of whack brain chemicals or hormones, and of course, the intersection of these things and others. I helped facilitate a discussion about how to better support colleagues going through hard times in a small group of research faculty. Our brainstormed list will become the seeds for a broader discussion that we intend to have at an upcoming all-faculty meeting. I’m proud of this work, not least of all because I feel it is a way to pay forward the support I received. Yet I am also exhausted by the emotional labor. Meanwhile, I’m feeling the weight of edits I want to make to three different first-authored papers so I can send them back to coauthors. It’s starting to feel a bit like guilt for not getting to it sooner, but I’m working on re-framing and scheduling space to prioritize my own writing. Similarly, I’m feeling the weight of next week’s deadline for two journal reviews, but also thinking about how to make time for them that doesn’t take away from using my best brain for my own writing.
In our house we’re starting a new practice to ask one another “I heard a big sigh. What are you feeling?”. You’d think this was to help Theo learn to identify and name emotions but it’s mostly to improve communication and awareness in us adults. Theo’s in a spell of intense creativity, which is both charming and annoying when he’s overtired but claims he can’t go to sleep because he needs to learn about zebras.
(Re)Learnings and observations
The altruistic/reciprocal reason I write these posts: At various points in our careers, but especially early on, it can feel like we are the only ones struggling. I have benefited from peers and mentors being vulnerable and sharing their own hard moments, and how they persisted, and how life evolved. I think this is really important modeling. Since soon after arrived at UCSF in 2015, I’ve been nearly constantly re-inventing my professional and personal life due to various major changes – from having Theo while on the job market (and losing job opportunities as a result), to trying to figure out lactation accommodations across multiple campuses a day, to trying to figure out my research agenda and write many grants and papers, to my dad and stepdad dying within five months, to massive changes in my mentoring structure and work team, to my age-peer friends and cousins dying of cancer, to aunts and uncles dying, to a pandemic. While this was intense it’s not wildly abnormal in academia. Academic training takes so darn long that when we get our “first” job, we may be making decisions about kids, houses, and experiencing loss, all at the same time. It’s not just that being junior faculty is hard (with requirements that in and of themselves can lead to burnout), it’s also that it can happen amid a lot of other really hard things. Even aside from the academia-specific weirdnesses, as a colleague-friend noted, when you are the person going through hard stuff it’s exhausting to always being the one admitting to vulnerability in order to request help. It helps to hear others be vulnerable too, and admit their own struggles.
The selfish reason I write these: They help me with my own accountability: I’m checking in at least 2x a week as I draft pieces of this on what I said my priorities were and listing my self-care. I’m recording advice I received from others or gave to others but want to remember for myself. I could just use this as a format for journaling, but, again, I find I really benefit from learning how other people’s “behind the scenes” work, and I’m guessing others do too. A colleague called this “innovating in mentoring”, which feels like an aspirational designation.
Making time for thinking/writing: My meetings are getting out of hand again, so I’m working on taking control. I used Sunday night** to add self-assignments from my to-do list to all the quiet writing times blocked on my calendar this week. I aim to have a 1h writing block on my calendar every day – and not at a time that sacrifices sleep or exercise, since those are more essential. As you saw above, I will need to re-schedule a lot of these for next week.
**Note: I don’t like using weekend time for thinking about the work week – I’d prefer it to be Monday morning but I have an 8:30 standing meeting that I am in the process of moving for my family sanity.
Antiracist actions: Signed up for the UCSF DEI Champion training (session 1, session 2, for those curious, a 6 hour commitment). I reached out to and offered tangible offers of help to colleagues impacted by racism. It still feels embarrassing to write these…and yet I continue to do it, because it helps keep it on my radar and also for modeling. I’m not saying I’m doing it right or well. Just that I’m trying and failing and trying again.
Gratitude & appreciation
A mentee who accepted a job offer and did a fantastic job on a presentation
Beautiful weather this weekend
A 1h hike and 30 min kayak with Theo and my mom on Sunday
Sam strongly recommending that I re-evaluate whether work really has to keep taking over my exercise time (thank goodness for people who help you with boundaries)
I requested moving my early Monday morning standing meeting (funny how this feels brave, asking for what I need, and yet, there it is)
Testing setting my alarm for 30 minutes before Theo wakes up to make space for the possibility of meditation/yoga/journaling
Beginning to implement Dean Talmage’s recommendation to start meeting 5-10 min after the hour (meaning I sometimes get breaks in my day)
Learning from my Muslim and Jewish colleagues about their traditions involving fasting (Happy Ramadan)
A work-related virtual Theo chocolate tasting that was pretty fantastic
Two medical students joining my lab for 8 weeks this summer
The DOM has voted to support my promotion to Associate in residence – still not final, but good signs!
Things to read
Tips on recognizing and ameliorating burnout. I’ve implemented some of these: wearing work clothes even if no one but Sam sees me, implemented a clear beginning/end to my day, and avoided meetings that trigger negative feelings.
The usual (depressing) news about the impact of the pandemic on women researchers – and of course many times worse for women of color researchers from communities that are more significantly impacted by covid.
I hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy. Please share how you are doing, and some of your small accountability goals.
Krista