Week 40
View from the houseboats
40 weeks from the start of the pandemic…and now the vaccines are here. I remained stunned by how fast and effectively vaccine development has gone…thank goodness for public investment in science. 40 weeks is also the typical length of a pregnancy (in fact I had a new second cousin born this week). I’m feeling like perhaps this project of pandemic letters has come full term for now. I’ll be taking the next two weeks off and thinking about whether and how to continue something in the new year. Let me know if you have ideas for what might be of interest.
We are doing reasonably well over here (as long as we ignore the news about COVID rates and politics). We spent the weekend indoors and recharging – hanging and cooking with our son, ignoring “to-dos”, and watching TV while getting some exercise (we have trainer that makes our outdoor bikes usable indoors). In some ways, it feels like our life hasn’t changed much since July, when Theo returned to school and Sam and I continued to work from home. On the other hand, our lifespace has been slowly contracting further as we stopped going to the Zoo or Discovery Museums on the weekend as we were in the fall, we stopped going to grocery stores as much as we could and started ordering things, and the cold has meant we don’t see our neighbors much. Upsides and downsides to all of this, but mostly a marker of privilege to be able to do it. This weekend may involve surreptitious wrapping of all the mystery boxes that have arrived with ambiguous labels, and more holiday baking.
In these next two weeks, I challenge you to write down all the things that went well this year. If you’re struggling with all the losses of this year, I encourage you to write those down too, give yourself permission to grieve them, and then throw that list away. Put the list of what went well on your fridge and keep adding to it. If there are things that are way behind schedule – wow, are you not alone. It likely doesn’t really matter in the larger scheme of things. If you really have trouble forgiving yourself for being a human surviving a pandemic amid a social reckoning and political firestorm – try making a plan for how you will get those things done in 2021 – or how you will recruit help to get them done. A day later, double your timelines. And then - get out in the sun (with your mask) for some fresh air and new perspectives.
Gratitude & appreciation
For our clinicians who continue to care for patients and put themselves at risk during this current tsumani of COVID cases
For everyone who is sacrificing changes to their social plans to reduce their risks of exposure or of potential transmission right now
For all the people being vaccinated, and for UCSF’s allocation protocol that seems more equitable than many (e.g. cleaning teams getting vaccinations before our Department Chair)
I submitted a paper to a new journal after procrastinating since August (from the first 5 desk rejects) and it was accepted! Letter to the editor (so not peer reviewed) but it will be out and that’s what matters.
I remembered to schedule emails that I sent after-hours so they didn’t arrive until the morning
I’ve knocked a bunch of things off my to-do list this week, trying to make space for some good writing time when my meetings taper off and my brain recovers a bit.
On a morning where I tackled a few emails before my exercise, which meant I didn’t have enough time for what I had originally intended for exercise, I reframed and tried a different activity that turned into an even better match for my mood.
(Re)Learnings and observations
On self-awareness: At the end of last week I was feeling a bit harried, and while I recovered a bit over the weekend, mid-week I realized I was feeling a bit down. Too much prioritizing of work over exercise and other self care lately, or not enough meditation and reflection time. So I took some extra time one morning for exercise, meditation, and journaling. And I felt a bit better!
On modeling behavior: Both in the context of the pandemic and in parenting, I have spent a lot of time noticing this year how much behavior modeling matters. It’s easier to make the choice to wear a mask when everyone around you is doing it. It’s why I wear a mask while exercising despite likely minimal risk. Someone is always watching. With parenting, I’m increasingly aware of teaching Theo that his feelings are ok, but not all his behaviors to express those feelings are ok. Similarly, I’m trying to model in these weekly letters that we all – no matter how successful we might seem on the outside – experience self-doubt, are challenged by balancing professional responsibilities and personal relationships, and a thousand other examples of being humans. I hope you are extending yourself the same grace you do to your best friends.
Actions to be anti-racist and/or support Black and other people of color: I started this as a bit of self-accountability after George Floyd was murdered. Per my prior statement about modeling behavior – I know that I am more likely to take actions when other people talk about what actions they are taking. Sometimes when I share what I’m doing I feel really silly – it feels so inadequate. But it helps me keep the priority for action. This week I participated in the Geri half day discussion of DEI at 1pm. I’m excited about the new MSTAR-CURES collaboration I’ve been helping facilitate that aims to pair medical students and high school students from historically excluded populations for summer research projects.
Things I’m looking forward to
(per the advice of this UCSF Psychiatry webinar)
Getting my vaccine (in April or so)
A few weeks with fewer meetings
A long outdoor hike (maybe I can download an audiobook for Theo and aim for a family hike this weekend)
I hope you make it safely though these last two weeks of 2020, and are able to find some time for self-care, decompression, and reflection.
Krista