Week 29
View from the houseboats
How are you? No really – how are you really? Take a breath – what are you feeling?
Some weeks I don’t know what words to use to describe the state of things around us, never mind my inside state. The Glass Fires and threat of smoke has been impacting me. The debate. The extra emails and texts from the groups and individuals I’ve donated to. Wanting to do more for the election and yet not quite organizing my life to make it feasible. The to-do list I keep reordering because I haven’t had the bandwidth for certain types of writing/thinking this week.
The cupcakes and three flavors of frosting were a hit for Sam’s birthday, followed by an evening of total stress overload the next day. Sam’s finally experimenting with meditating as a result.
I’m in week two of cycling between deep professional insecurity and confidence that I’m doing quite well in that way that still involves pushing to get better (e.g. ask better questions, write better/more impactful papers, use creative methods better matched to the questions).
For the first time Theo’s really excited about Halloween (he’s already sleeping with his mini-pumpkins). In the process of his excitement, I’m realizing that apparently October is going to be complicated for me as we approach the second anniversary of my dad’s death. As such, we talked at dinner on Wednesday night about how the adults might be a bit sad but that’s ok, and that led to an interesting conversation about whether bones and are pumpkins alive. As usual, I’m being vulnerable about these things because this is the whole self and context I’m bringing to my endeavors right now. I know each of you have your own complications to share too.
Gratitude & appreciation
This took effort to assemble this week. Choosing joy is part of my resilience work.
Theo actually wanted to go to school this week! More accurately, he wanted to go on the weekend. But at least he’s starting to resist less.
My friends from DC spent a morning trading message about which actress would play each of us in a movie. It was a delightful long thread to discover after WIP.
I had several lovely peer mentoring phone calls and meetings this week.
A colleague had a paper accepted after a revise and resubmit!
A mentor complimented me on my efforts and persistence in grieving/recovery/resilience and it was a nice reminder that yes, it does take hard work.
Therapy – I’ve worked with therapists on and off for years but this one has been particularly helpful as I figure out how to manage grief. She’s continuing to teach me to use feelings to inform my decisions, rather than resist or ignore the feelings.
I’m going up for promotion and series change this year. I’m putting this under gratitude even though I don’t necessarily feel that way about it yet, not least of all because I won’t know if the efforts are successful for many months. But you don’t get to be a candidate for promotion without many investments from your whole community – the family that tolerated you writing grants or papers nights and weekends, the mentors who invested their free time in helping you (because often mentoring is unfunded), the sponsors who recommended you for opportunities, the mentees and trainees who pushed you to be better, the peers who sympathized and answered the questions you didn’t dare ask others. Not least of all, the process of promotion and series change requires a lot of people investing time in writing letters on your behalf – so thank you in advance to those of you who may get such requests.
(Re)Learnings and observations
On grief: I’ve been re-reading the book Resilient Grieving (I think I’ve bought 4 copies now because I keep giving it away) and came across this great quote that resonated: “…resilience enables us to feel pain (and anger, anxiety, guilt) and to move through these emotions so that we can continue to feel joy, awe and love. Fundamentally, resilience is about marshaling what is within us to make it through, and maybe even transform, what is before us.”
Reframing for low bandwidth: In the past I’ve talked about my strategy of splitting my to-do list by high vs. low-cognition tasks and short vs. long-time needs, to make it easier to choose something to make progress on based on how I’m feeling. (e.g. I might not have energy to write a discussion section, so I go looking for journal requirements). This week I let myself “waste” time when not working on an activity with a deadline (e.g. I meditated, I journaled, I cried, I sat on the deck). In group meetings, I tried to do more listening than talking. I tried to listen for how other people ask questions and give feedback.
More reframing: I saw this great suggestion for language swapping. Instead of “I feel behind” try “I am not where I expected to be” (from one of my favorite feminists). I also continue to swap “Thank you for your patience” rather than “I apologize”.
You are struggling enough: Sometimes I feel guilt for not going through more, or things not being hard enough. This is silly – I would never say it to, or think it about, a friend. It’s not worth comparing struggle or hardship. It’s ok that things are hard for you, even if your situation is more privileged than many others. This year demands a lot of kindness, foremost to yourself.
Schedule your emails: My guess is most of us occasionally send emails after hours, on weekends, or on vacation. First, I don’t think we should shame anyone for how they are organizing their lives if it helps them function. Second, we each bear responsibility of changing the culture so that people don’t feel like they have to be working constantly. As such, I am going to challenge myself to deal with my emails when I need to but schedule them to send 9-5 M-F only.
Other tools: A friend sent me to virtual NIH resources for trainee resilience and wellness
Actions to be anti-racist: Ongoing conversations with friends about racism in their lives. Ongoing conversations about building the pipeline of investigators. Incorporating statements about the impact of racism into my research manuscripts.
Things I’m looking forward to
My upcoming scheduled week off – starting to make plans so I will actually take it this time
My colleagues with kids at home getting some breaks – those of us with ability to get alone time (whether going into an office or having kids elsewhere in daycare or preschool) now have it easier than those whose older kids are at home in zoom-school and struggling with the pandemic constraints
Snuggling into bed with clean sheets
As in past weeks, I invite you to report in on your wellbeing, share your goal of a tiny step towards a passion project (and perhaps a second goal of a collaboration, if we have one) and report in on your progress from last week's goals.
Thinking of you and hoping you and your loved ones stay healthy and safe.
Krista